The Art of Consent: Setting Boundaries for Healthy Sexual Relationships – Ami Shikah writes

Hey you, how are you doing today?

Take a moment to get comfortable, grab a glass of water or a drink, and take three deep breaths. We are about to dive into one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have, consent.

Consent isn’t just about yes or no when it comes to sex. It shapes every part of our lives: from how we interact with others, to the way we engage in professional spaces, to how we navigate intimacy and relationships. It even reflects how we care for and respect ourselves.

Think of this article as your go-to guide for understanding consent in a real, relatable way. It’s about helping you feel confident setting your boundaries, speaking up when something feels off, and enjoying intimacy without any fear or guilt attached.

Maybe you’ve experienced moments when saying no felt hard, or someone made a joke that crossed the line, but you went along with it to keep the peace. Such situations highlight how consent isn’t just about sex, it’s about valuing yourself and respecting others.

In this article, we will explore what consent is, how to communicate it clearly, why setting boundaries is essential, and how to navigate consent in complex situations. We’ll also cover handling consent violations, power dynamics, reproductive health, and much more. Let’s dive in!

What Is Consent?

At its core, consent is a mutual agreement between two or more people to engage in an activity with full awareness and willingness. It involves clearly communicating boundaries, desires and limits. Consent ensures that everyone involved is comfortable, on the same page and feeling good about what’s happening.

For consent to be real and valid, it has to meet the following criteria:

1. Freely given: Consent only counts if it’s given without any pressure, manipulation or fear. Nobody should feel pressured into saying yes; it should come naturally and genuinely.
2. Informed: Everyone involved needs to understand or be clear on exactly what they’re agreeing to. Consent isn’t meaningful if one person doesn’t fully understand what’s happening or feels misled.
3. Specific: Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean you’re saying yes to everything. Each action or activity needs its own clear, enthusiastic “yes” to move forward.
4. Reversible: Consent isn’t locked in once given; it can be withdrawn at any time, even in the middle of an activity. Feeling empowered to say “stop” or “I’m not comfortable anymore” is just as important as saying “yes.”

When consent is practiced right, it builds deep trust, respect and intimacy, creating a space where real pleasure and connection can thrive.

Informed Consent: Knowing What You’re Agreeing To

Informed consent ensures that everyone involved has all the necessary information to make an informed decision. It applies to all forms of intimacy, not just sex.

Below are examples where informed consent is essential:

1. STI Disclosure: If you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or are experiencing an outbreak, you must inform your partner before engaging in any sexual activity. Withholding this information removes your partner’s ability to make an informed choice.
2. Contraceptive Agreements: Partners should discuss birth control and STI prevention openly. Removing a condom without permission (stealthing) or lying about contraception violates consent.
3. Substance Use: When someone is heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol (whether drunk, blacked out or otherwise impaired), they can’t give valid consent. Even if they seem enthusiastic, their decision-making ability is compromised. It’s essential to wait until both partners are sober and fully in control before engaging in intimacy.

Hard Limits, Soft Limits, and Why Boundaries Matter

Everyone deserves to have boundaries.

No matter how fun, freaky, or adventurous you are there will be things you’re just not into or feel uneasy about, and that’s completely okay. Being open about your limits with others or your partner(s) doesn’t make you boring; it shows you’re confident and self-aware.

So don’t hold back. Get comfortable talking about your boundaries, and know how to set and enforce them. Boundaries are what make you feel right and safe. Embracing them means you’re protecting your emotional and physical well-being, so you can dive into experiences with confidence, free from fear or guilt.

• Hard Limits: These are non-negotiable boundaries: activities or behaviors that you will never engage in. For example, someone may have a hard limit on specific sexual acts, like anal sex or spanking. You have every right to maintain these boundaries without guilt or explanation.
• Soft Limits: These boundaries may shift depending on the situation, level of trust, or context. For example, you might be open to trying something new with a trusted partner but not with someone new. Soft limits give you room to explore while staying in control.

Scenario: Your partner suggests trying anal sex. You’re open to the idea, but you’d like to take things slow to make sure you’re fully comfortable. You might say, “I’m interested, but let’s prepare for it and go at a pace that feels good for both of us.” This way, you’re respecting your boundary while leaving room for exploration and ensuring you feel safe and in control.

Communicating Consent Clearly: Conversations That Build Trust

Consent isn’t just a one-time checkbox to tick off and forget about. It is not just a one-time yes or no. It’s an ongoing conversation that flows naturally when you’re with someone who respects you.

Here are ways to communicate consent effectively:

Before intimacy:

• “Is there anything you don’t want to do tonight?”
• “How do you feel about trying X?”

During intimacy:

• “Do you like this?”
• “Should I slow down or stop?”

After intimacy:

• “How did that feel for you?”
• “Is there anything we should do differently next time?”

Regular check-ins help all partners feel comfortable and respected throughout the experience. Consent can change at any time and that’s okay.

Navigating Power Dynamics: When Authority Complicates Consent

Consent becomes more complicated when one person holds authority or influence over another, like in relationships between an employer and employee, manager and subordinate, teacher and student, doctor and patient, or caregiver and dependent. These power dynamics can make it challenging for the person in the lower position to say no, as they may feel pressured or fear negative consequences.

It’s crucial in these situations to be mindful of how power can impact someone’s ability to give genuine, enthusiastic consent.

Why Power Dynamics Blur the Lines of Consent

1. Perceived Obligation: The person in the lower position may feel they need to comply to avoid consequences, such as losing their job or failing a class.
2. Fear of Retaliation: They may worry about being punished or ostracized if they refuse advances.
3. Confusion About Intentions: An authority figure may think they’re being friendly, but the other person may feel pressured to comply.

Scenario: Your manager invites you to dinner after work and makes a few flirtatious comments. You’re uncomfortable, but you worry that saying no might affect your job or chances for a promotion. Even though you’d rather not go, the power your manager holds over your position makes it hard to feel you can decline without consequences.

Unintentional Violations: How Jokes and Flirting Can Cross the Line

Sometimes, what feels like a harmless joke or casual compliment can actually make someone uncomfortable, crossing personal boundaries without us even realizing it. Being aware of how seemingly light-hearted comments might be received is key to maintaining respectful and comfortable interactions.

Examples of Casual Consent Violations:

1. Body-related Comments: Making remarks about someone’s body, even as a compliment, can make them feel self-conscious or uncomfortable.
2. Flirting in Unwanted Spaces: When flirting happens in professional or academic settings, it can feel intrusive if it’s not mutual or expected.
3. Sexual Jokes: Playful or offhand sexual jokes might come off as offensive or inappropriate, even if meant as harmless fun.

Scenario: You’re chatting with a coworker you see frequently in the canteen. One day, you say, “You’re looking extra yummy today, must be something in the air!” You intend it as a friendly compliment, but they seem taken aback and quickly excuse themselves. Over time, you notice they’re avoiding conversation, even glancing around before entering the canteen. Their reaction is a cue to reflect on how seemingly casual comments can cross a line, especially in shared spaces like the workplace.

Digital Consent: Nudes, Sexting and Online Interactions

Consent is just as important in digital spaces as it is in face-to-face interactions. Sharing intimate photos or engaging in sexting should always come with a clear, mutual agreement. It’s about respecting each other’s comfort levels and privacy, even when things happen online.

Scenario: A friend or someone you’re chatting with online suddenly sends you a nude photo without asking if it’s okay. You feel caught off guard and uncomfortable. A straightforward response could be, “I wasn’t expecting that and I’m not comfortable with it. Please don’t send any more nudes.” If they keep ignoring your boundaries, you always have the option to block them to protect your space and comfort.

Pro Tip: Always take a moment to think before sharing any intimate images/videos. Once they’re sent, it’s hard to control where they might end up or who else could see them.

Safe Words and Safe Signals: Tools for Communication

Safe words are essential in all sexual situations. They give everyone the ability to stop or pause when they feel uncomfortable, experience pain, or want to withdraw consent. When speaking isn’t possible, such as in certain BDSM activities or intense intimacy, safe signals or gestures help communicate boundaries non-verbally.

If you are sexually active, you need to discuss and agree on safe words and signals with your partner(s) to keeps consent active and respected throughout your intimate moments.

Guidelines for Choosing Safe Words

• Be Clear and Unambiguous: Choose words that wouldn’t naturally come up in the heat of the moment. Common options include “Red” to stop, “Yellow” to slow down, and “Green” to continue.
• Easy to Remember: Pick words that are simple and easy to recall even when emotions are high.
• Culturally Neutral: Use words that both you and your partner(s) understand without any confusion or cultural misinterpretation.

Words to Avoid as Safe Words

1. Everyday Words: Avoid common words that could be said unintentionally, like “no” or “stop,” which might come up in the heat of the moment but not necessarily mean the person wants to pause.
2. Confusing Terms: Avoid words that could easily be misinterpreted, like “maybe” or “wait,” as these might be unclear and lead to miscommunication.

Non-Verbal Safe Signals

• Snapping fingers
• Clapping hands
• Tapping a surface three times

These tools help maintain clear, respectful communication and ensure that everyone’s boundaries are honored, even in situations where speaking isn’t possible.

Reproductive Consent: Birth Control, Health, and Honesty

Consent isn’t just about agreeing to have sex; it also covers honesty around birth control, health and any risks involved. In any intimate relationship, partners should feel comfortable discussing birth control options and sharing relevant health information to ensure everyone is on the same page.

Scenario: Imagine your partner assures you they’re on birth control, but later you find out they weren’t truthful. This violates reproductive consent because, without all the facts, you weren’t able to make an informed choice about your body and potential risks.

Pro Tip: Always be upfront about any STIs, health conditions, or relevant risks. Sharing this information allows your partner to make their own informed choice, helping to build trust, respect, and a safer experience for both of you.

What to Do If Your Consent Is Violated

If your consent is violated, remember that it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve it and you’re not alone. Healing is a process that takes time and you deserve all the support you need along the way.

Steps You Can Take

1. Reach Out to Someone You Trust: Whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, or a support group, having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Opening up can feel hard, but it helps to share the weight of what you’re going through.
2. Honor Your Emotions: Whatever you’re feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, confusion or even numbness, it’s all valid. Allow yourself to experience those emotions without judgment. Processing them is a step toward healing.
3. Consider Reporting the Incident: If it feels right for you, think about reporting what happened. This can look different for everyone; it could mean going to authorities, confiding in a mentor, or talking to an HR representative if it happened at work. Do what feels safe and supportive for you.

Remember, healing doesn’t have a timeline, and everyone’s path is different. Take the steps that feel right for you, and know that there are people and resources to support you along the way.

Further Reading on Consent and Healthy Boundaries

• “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski
• “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
• “The Consent Guidebook” by Kitty Stryker

Embrace Consent as a Way of Life

Understanding and practicing consent is an ongoing journey, a commitment that goes beyond simple yes or no answers. Setting boundaries and honoring others’ boundaries helps build trust, respect, and genuine connection in every kind of relationship.

Remember, there’s strength in knowing your limits and being open about them. Consent isn’t about putting up walls; it’s about creating a safe space where you can fully enjoy intimacy, explore new experiences and build meaningful connections free of fear or pressure.

For more insights on sexual and reproductive health, tune in to my podcast, Sex and Sanity, and check out additional resources at AmisDiaries.com. Your boundaries matter, your comfort matters, and your voice matters. Take these tools with you, practice them, and know that you’ve got the power to create respectful, fulfilling connections.

You’ve got this!

By: Ami Shikah is a certified sex coach, author, media personality and podcaster