My marital woes with Kwame didn’t start overnight; they were more like trickles of water.
As I mentioned earlier, I married Kwame because I loved him and for me it meant being married forever. In my love diary, ours was to be for better for better. The worse part, was never written.
Tell me would you ever think of divorce or would it even cross your mind if you marry your rib, the man or woman whom you consider as your soul mate?
Not at all.
If anyone dares suggest that to you, you would call the person a witch.
That’s the kind of world I lived in. And it wasn’t a fantasy, it was a world of real moments of love that brought joy to me and made my life beautiful.
I was always in a rush to get home after work, same with Kwame much to the chagrin of our friends, especially his, who would want to hang out a bit. We loved each other’s company so there was no boredom in our home.
As a wife, I did my best. Every time I went on my knees, I prayed for our marriage, I asked God to make me a good wife like Proverbs 31 makes mention of. All I wanted to do was to be a blessing to Kwame, to be a giver and not a taker, to complement him in every way.
Let me tell you more of the kind of wife I was.
I was quite a reserved person. Now I think I am more open.
I used to get home from work earlier than Kwame did. By the time Kwame gets home, a savoury dish would be awaiting him.
The moment he walks in, I stop whatever I am doing and welcome him with a kiss and a hug.
Clean surroundings meant a lot to Kwame so I always ensured everywhere from the hall to the bedroom was clean.
I help him take off his clothing and shoes like a king, of course he was my king, and if he is not treated like a king in his own home, where else will he be celebrated?
He relaxes in the couch while I drop the clothing in the laundry basket and serve him a glass of water.
After his shower, I serve dinner, sit by him as he eats while engaging him in a conversation on how his day went.
And when he was done having dinner, I clear the table and go wash the plates, while he crosses his legs in front of the TV to enjoy a football match or any interesting programme showing.
I usually woke up as early as 3:30 am to ensure that I have time to do my quiet time, iron his clothing for work, get Kayla ready for school, fix breakfast, and pack his lunch for work.
On weekends, I did our laundry while he hanged out with his friends.
I never starved him in the bedroom; I was a generous lover.
Anything you can imagine a good wife doing, I did.
That’s all what marriage is about isn’t it? To please your husband. And that’s what our mothers told us that their mothers told them. That’s how it has been since time immemorial.
But I never complained. In fact, I enjoyed my role.
I was willing to do anything just to make my Kwame happy.
I served him out of love not out of obligation or fear.
And he ensured that I lacked nothing. His generosity even extended to my family.
Once in a while, he took me out for a drink or for a weekend at a hotel away from town. For me, it was a beautiful life and I was enjoying it.
I remember I used to thank God every morning for giving me such an amazing man as Kwame to be my husband.
Like any human being, he had his shortcomings but his positives outweighed them so I didn’t give them much of a thought.
Kwame was a jealous and possessive person. I was initially worried about this character trait when we were courting but my elder sister assured me there was no need to because every man seeks to protect what belongs to him. At the time, she had been married for five years or more so I believed her.
Two years into our marriage, the surprises began to show up.
I bet you, my shock absorbers were not ready for this.
It all began the day I told Kwame that I had gained admission into the university to pursue a degree. I expected him to welcome the news with excitement but to my surprise, he welcomed it with mixed feelings.
He had just arrived home from work and I couldn’t wait to show him my admission letter. Just when he walked in, I flashed it before his eyes.
“What’s that?” He asked.
“Just take a look” I said with excitement.
But the look on his face didn’t measure up to my lit up face.
It was the next day that I understood the reason behind his behaviour.
It was few minutes to my wake up time. At about 3 am, he tapped me on the shoulder and called my name…
“Asantewaa wake up.”
“What’s wrong? I asked in my sleepy voice.
“Sit up”
I did and then he said,
“I am not in favour of this degree you want to go and do..”
“Huh?” I said in shock
“I think you should wait for Kayla to grow a bit more before you consider this. Better still you can push it to afer you have given birth to all our children, and they are grown a bit”
Kayla was a year and few months, and there was a nanny who came around to help me take care of her after school so I didn’t understand Kwame’s insistence that I defer the degree programme.
“University will change you Asantewaa. The other day my friend was telling me how his wife who is doing the long distance programme has changed her attitude overnight because she thinks she is also somebody. I cannot tolerate that in my home. After all, what do you need the degree for? I am taking care of you very well so you have nothing to worry about”
“Kwame it’s not about the money.”
“Then what is it?”
“I want to build my career. I want to add value to my life. I want to…..”
“My dear, concentrate on making babies now and forget about this school for now. That’s what matters. Later if I think the school is important for you I myself will take you abroad to pursue the course”
“But Kwame, I don’t want to defer it. I am surprised at your behaviour because you are behaving as if you didn’t know I had applied for the degree programme.”
“I did but now I have a change of mind”
“But I haven’t had a change of mind and I want to do it”
“Oh really? So you won’t consider what I am saying?” He asked.
“Kwame, that’s not fair, to put my life’s dream on hold. There are women who are juggling marriage, raising children, and work so well. I can do same”
“Sorry dear, you are not like those women you are talking about. Those women who are pompous and disrespectful to their husbands because they think they have the financial means. My final position on this matter is you defer the degree”
If there ever was a time I challenged Kwame, then it was about my degree programme. My mind was made up and so I didn’t defer the course. It was a dream come true for me and I wasn’t ready to let the train leave me behind.
What if I listen to Kwame and never get to do my degree? Then my life will be dependent on him and on the small office where I am stuck because I don’t have the qualification to pursue a better career.
And Kwame knew about all the frustrations I had suffered in my job search because I didn’t have the required qualifications.
You can imagine his fury when he found out I didn’t comply with his wish.
Kwame was devastated and said I had disrespected him…
He changed his attitude towards me.
He said by my actions I had proved to him that I was capable of taking care of my needs. As a result he stopped giving me money for my upkeep.
I was shocked at how the matter had escalated to another level.
To make matters worse, he took the keys of the car he had given me and packed the car in the garage.
How was I going to manage working at one end of town and schooling at another end of town….
The traffic, the stress, the pressure. ..??
He really aimed at making life unbearable for me.
Nothing I said could make him change his mind.
I still went about my wifely duties as before; nothing changed. I didn’t allow his mood swings to worry me.
I hoped he will get to understand that I took that decision not out of disrespect but because I wanted to do something meaningful with my life.
But he didn’t see things my way.
I tried hard to juggle home, office and school. My boss was very understanding and allowed me to close an hour to closing time to attend lectures. Lectures were three times a week. I wasn’t doing badly, only that it wasn’t easy.
I think Kwame thought I would defer the course out of frustration, but I didn’t.
“…but while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way.”
Matthew 13:25 (NKJV)
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