The Garden: Cinderella Syndrome

Once upon a time in a land far away… I’m sure we have all heard this line before especially us story lovers. This week on The Garden we go back to the once upon a time to address the Cinderella syndrome that plagues our world and makes it almost impossible for relationships to survive.  The Cinderella story is a very popular one and I will not bother to explain what the story is about in detail. However, the Cinderella syndrome on the other hand was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women’s fear of independence – an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older. The complex is named after the fairy tale character Cinderella.

The Urban dictionary explains the Cinderella syndrome as “When a woman (often submissive and needy) spends all her time searching for her “Prince charming” to come rescue her; brainwashed by rosy romantic images and ideals. Women with this personality trait often lose good guys because they feel the guy they are presently with doesn’t fit their ideal of the perfect man. She dreams of living a fairy tale lifestyle where she meets this prince and they fall madly in love and live happily ever after in a magical fantasy where all of her needs and desires are taken care of.

“I just KNOW that one day my Prince charming will come rescue me, and we’ll have a magical kiss under the stars and he’ll whisper I love you and he’ll take me away to his castle and we’ll live happily ever after !!!

Isn’t it ironic how decades later we are still hanging on to the fairy tale of Cinderella and her knight in shining armour? Well, you could say certainly not Lerato what are you on about? And I could easily tell you that yes it is unfortunately true. I have made observations and it is everywhere on social media, even with friends and family living amongst us. For some reason most women are still indoctrinated with that fairy tale and it tells on their choices, standards and expectations from the opposite sex. I can sniff a woman suffering the Cinderella syndrome from a mile because I have been that woman before.

One such lady who was bold enough to share her Cinderella syndrome moment with us is Dr Sindi Van Zyl  and with her permission I share her story:

“I’m honest about my financial struggles. I’ve made a lot of progress but I had my fair share of drama – credit card drama! December 2006 – final block of internship. Festive season. XXX Bank sends an SMS offering to increase my credit card limit. I SMS No and carry on seeing patients in the surgical clinic.  A few minutes later I get an SMS congratulating me on my new credit card limit. There was a number to call to decline the credit card limit increase. Did I call the number? Nope! Bank account fleeking. I have selective amnesia and conveniently forget to tell husbae about my newfound “wealth”

2007 we were trying to have a baby and things weren’t going well. We did all the tests, everything and still no baby. Stress was high. Stress reliever? Shopping. With what money? The bank’s money. My credit card limit had been increased and I was in those malls like a duck to water.  Now here’s the thing. You swipe and swipe. You feel great! Are you swiping “your” money? Nah.  It’s the bank’s money. There was a definite disconnect in my mind about this.  Within a short amount of time, I had become a prisoner in Credit Card Maxed Prison.

January 2008, Marinus wasn’t happy at his job. He really wanted to leave and start something with his brother. I was discouraging him because I was in a panic about being in CCMaxed Prison. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get out of there.  The truth is I had DECIDED that husbae was going to pay off my credit card. I was #Cinderella the Princess and he was my Knight in Shining Armour #CinderellaSyndrome I had decided that my money was my money, and his money was our money. Did I discuss this with him at any stage of our marriage? Nope.  Did I tell him when XXXX offered to increase my credit card limit? Nope. But now I was hatching a plan to rope him in.

Was it his fault that I borrowed unwisely? Nope. Was it his fault that I didn’t bother to understand the credit card contract? Nope.  Did he force me to borrow more money from the bank? Nope. But I wanted him to pay. Yes!

Marinus paid off my card. I want to say I learnt my lesson and I called the bank and cancelled the card. I didn’t. I was meant to but I had convinced myself that I was in “control”  Guess what? Just take a wild guess?  Back to CCMaxedPrison . By now I’m pregnant with Nandi. Marinus has since left that job and is working for himself. I couldn’t tell him about CCMaxed Prison. I was dying inside  Also pregnancy had made me emotionally labile. One day during pillow talk I started crying.

Preggie me: I’m so sorry. I maxed the card again

Knight in Shining Armour: oh. I’m disappointed

Preggie me: I know. I really don’t want to give birth with debt hanging over my head

Knight in Shining Armour: I feel used

Preggie me: it’s for the baby

Credit card was paid off

I’m not proud of my levels of emotional blackmail. Not proud at all. Within no time …

December 2008 I was back in CCMaxed Prison This time around husbae was D-O-N-E with my foolishness.

Husbae: I need the login details of your online banking

Me: no

Husbae: okay

Me: okay what?

Husbae: okay life goes on. My credit cards are all fine. I’m not crying

Me: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Husbae: I am unmoved by your tears

Me: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I eventually gave him the login details and he created an Excel spreadsheet.  Do you know how much I HATE Excel? Columns of my spending habits. My Knight in Shining Armour had left the building “

Perhaps yours is not necessarily about debt and spending sprees like Dr Sindi Van Zyl, but probably  just as manipulative in other areas and low key have an expectation  that your “Marinus” your “Knight in Shining Armour” would bail you out every time and supply all your needs and most importantly give you a life that you could never give yourself even if you tried.

You see for me my Prince had to always be on a horse and if he ever fell from it that means he was no longer my Prince. For some reason a Prince walking on ground took away his glory, his honour. He had to be riding a horse other wise how would he be my knight without a shining armour then? I did not want my narrative to be messed up so I avoided any man or thing that did not fit into this narrative.

Most women today even in marriages are not happy because of the Cinderella syndrome. We need to understand that our Prince charming will not always show up on a horse with a chariot and our missing glass slipper. Sometimes we are going to have to find our own slippers and sometimes we are going to have to make both slippers ourselves or together there is no clear narrative. The expectation to be “rescued: by Prince charming is messing up with the minds of a lot of women out there. I cannot begin to tell you how much the Cinderella syndrome has robbed me off really amazing experiences with some of the most amazing people only because they did not come “packaged” as Prince charming. They weren’t on a horse and carriage, and they certainly weren’t in possession of my missing glass slipper.

Our men are human they’re not super heroes or knights neither do they own horses let alone ride them. Most of them haven’t a clue of the whereabouts of our glass slippers and some are ready to help us search for it if we give them a chance. However we will not give them the time of day because they do not fit the Cinderella narrative. Yes for a very long time I would adjust my tiara and move along as fast as I could but just how many frogs am I ready to kiss before I actually realise that my expectations ate fictional which means really I’m looking for a character in a story book. Ladies most of you are not still single because there is no suitor, many of you are just waiting on a fictional character and those of you who are married and claim misery are only miserable because you went in with the fairy tale expectation and realised that it was far from the fictional garbage you fed yourself all along. However, it is never too late you can let go of the Cinderella syndrome and begin to enjoy your husband for the man he is not the Prince charming of Neverland you want him to be.