The Garden: Divorce trends a tragedy

Marriage rates in Africa differ by region. In Northern Africa, trends in marriage over time are roughly similar to the United States, exhibiting a steady decrease over the past few decades.

Among the island nations off of the southern coast of Africa, the crude marriage rates are substantially higher than the nearby continental African countries. Unfortunately divorce data are also limited. But, from the data available, divorce rates are substantially lower in Africa than the
United States, regardless of region.

From the data available, Mozambique and Sao Tome and Principe each have high percentages of women in consensual unions, when compared with other countries in their regions. Similar to other areas of the world undergoing westernization, consensual unions are on the rise in Africa among well-educated, urban couples. Perhaps more than any other factor, the HIV/AIDS pandemic has impacted marriage rates in Sub-Saharan Africa greatly. Marital dissolution—whether through separation or death—is occurring at higher rates among HIV-positive couples.

It is said that “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic gets thrown around a lot. Everyone knows someone whose family was torn apart by it. Divorce rates are also high even within the Church and so it seems our principles, tradition and religion are no longer sustaining our modern day marriages. With our evolving times which have certainly influenced the role of both male and female in a relationship setting need to be accounted for and largely accommodated in order to make relationships nowadays last.

If for whatever reason you have failed in the area of relationships, just like in any other area, do not write yourself off. Surely there has to be some important lessons and growing up you had to do and arguably have learnt from it. I personally below, share some lessons I have learnt from my failed relationships:

1. Don’t see a partner as a project (do not enter into it with the vision of changing him into the one….his present state must already qualify him, the rest should be a bonus)

2. Individualism must die. It should no longer be I, me but us, we

3. Be aware that seasons come and go and circumstances change and so don’t fall for the person’s state of comfort; network or security at least don’t commit for that reason alone you’ll be the first to flee when the boat rocks

4. Be honest and sincere about your life goals as this will inform your choice of partner and it will minimise arguments in future (I never signed up for this)

5. Discuss finances …don’t you ever leave this area to chance I’ve seen romance fly out of the window because of indifference in finances. Study your partner’s financial habits

6. Date!!! Get to know each other, search each other out in terms of outlook towards life, background; foundation; perception towards life and critical issues such as religion; tradition; socio-economic and popular culture. It is very important you study your partner’s mindset because it will inform decision making etc..

7. Stop being a witch; do away with seeking to control another. You do not own or manage or develop a person but rather you assist them to develop themselves and you allow them to be the best according to their divine person. You do not demarcate them to serve your interests alone. Be mindful that God created them for a bigger purpose not only for your pleasure.

8. Find out what love means to your partner and see if you can commit to loving them “right” and same goes for respect.

9. Do not burden your partner with the work you were meant to do independently. Try as much as possible to work through your insecurities. Don’t let your partner serve as a replacement for unemployment or a past hurt or disappointment or cover any insecurities for that matter. Try to get yourself together

10. Be ready!

Let’s tell ourselves the truth, the signs are often there from the very beginning we just refuse to see them because we are too determined to get our desired plan underway. Ladies let me tell you if you have to drag him to the altar you will need to put in the exact amount of energy if not more to sustain your marriage and if your marriage will only breath on your energy then let me put it to you that you are going to burn out and eventually get tired. This is not a one-man race please you might as well not even begin.

Please don’t just crave for a wedding, crave for a marriage and with that do away with the myth that it’s a hunky-dory journey, it’s not. It is very important you realise that status changes, seasons come and go and if you’re not ready to grow and evolve with your partner then please do not commit to marriage. Also don’t get married with a fantasy of a better tomorrow if you’re not happy with the person today, chances are you won’t be happy with them five years later. Please wait until you’re ready don’t do it to cover shame or to chase your biological clock. Please don’t be like me who refused to seek counsel and NB ladies refrain from saying I do while still dickmatised and refrain taking men on as projects, they are human and they will disappoint. To all those who are trying real hard to make marriage work more grace to you.