Recently during a one-on-one session with one of my clients we were talking about healing. She went through a very tragic experience a couple of years ago and so we were just talking about how much progress she had made over the period in terms of healing. During our conversation she shared a trigger she experienced recently when someone close to her was doubting the authenticity of her healing and some new information also came to the surface for me as her coach and I realised she actually struggled with forgiveness. Now, I realise forgiveness can be rather tricky, it’s often easier said than done, especially when the offender is someone close to us and when we do not feel deserving of the offence. This led us into another session on forgiveness and its connection to healing.
You see, healing is a process, it’s not an event and so we should not expect to just get over stuff over a session – it’s not that simple. Depending on the depth of the pain or trauma it can vary in terms of the period it will take, however, healing is a process. Do not be too hard on yourself when you find yourself healing gradually, give yourself time. Some hurts are as old as our childhood experiences and would need time to detach from our souls.
What I have also figured out is that forgiveness makes us arrive quicker at our place of healing. We cannot fully recover from something which still binds us and controls us and that’s what unforgiveness does. When we refuse to forgive we choose to hang on to the offence and the pain it caused us and we choose to continually be tormented and oppressed by our offenders. I have heard others say but he or she hasn’t apologised yet or they don’t even show remorse and I understand that perhaps they do not even deserve your forgiveness. What if I put it to you that you do not need their permission to forgive them? Yes, it is totally up to you. You don’t have to wait for an apology or remorse, you can be in charge of letting go for your own good. Forgiveness is a form of self care by the way because when you forgive you set yourself lose from the bondage of bitterness. When you forgive you release yourself from the prison of anger and pain and inevitably accelerate your path to healing from past hurts. Most importantly when you forgive you take away the power from your offender and you own it, you are no longer controlled or manipulated by them emotionally you get over their provocations and you live your life freely and immovable. Imagine that!
Like love and other emotions, forgiveness is not merely a feeling, it is a decisive act. And that makes it most difficult because you may require to make the decision without really being up to it or feeling like it. Again, like most emotions, forgiveness does submit to our choice. You will find that once a decision has been made, that is when the actual process is activated/officiated, that is when you actually begin to forgive. Forgiveness is not an event, but rather a process, almost a lifestyle I’d say. You will continually need to forgive until you are completely free and rid of the offence.
We live in a world that consists and operates on relationships – be it family relations, professional relations, romantic relations and the likes. Relationships are a part of us and for as long as we differ in character, personality and traits, offending each other is inevitable. No wonder we ought to make forgiveness an art. It needs to become a part of you because you will require it every now and again to move along and enjoy lasting relationships, but most importantly you need to forgive for your sake. Healing is the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again we therefore cannot talk of healing while omitting forgiveness, it is imperative you deal with that before you can talk of healing. May you find healing so that you may finally experience a pure love and profound state of happiness.
By Lerato Charlotte Letsoso| Email: leratokayise@gmail.com
