Some days were good…
We will cuddle in the sofa when Kayla was asleep
Or go for saunters
Or watch a movie over popcorn while we giggle and tease each other
Or go to the park with Kayla.
Other days, Kwame was a stranger to me.
Those days were like nightmares.
I had no peace of mind if for instance breakfast delayed a bit or Kayla run late for school because I couldn’t wake up early, or he had to baby sit because I had not returned home from school and the nanny’s time to leave was up.
That meant nagging. I tell you, there is nothing that can be compared to a man’s nagging.
All I do is, I walk away so I don’t also lose my temper and say or do something that he will use against me later.
Tell you, there were days I felt like telling him my piece of mind and damn the consequences, because I was hurting… but I always held back.
Kwame could sometimes call me at work that he wants a fresh meal in the evening, when I tell him I cannot come home to prepare it because of lectures, then hell breaks loose.
“So do you expect me, a married man to buy food from outside? Why did I marry then if I have to go and buy food. Every time you want me to eat food that has been stored in the fridge for days. I am fed up”
I used to ask myself so many questions:
“So is that how all husbands treat their wives? Must the marriage always be about one person’s interest and not the interest of the two? Must the woman always be the fool and the one who suffers in silence? Where is sacrifice? Where is understanding? Where is the supporting of the weaker vessel in practicality? Is that how all Christian men who are supposed to know better treat their wives? What if I had married an unbeliever, is that how my marriage would have turned out to be? Or is it that someone is working spiritually against us? Or that Kwame has found another woman?
I could be lost in thoughts because of Kwame.
I somehow felt that his behaviour was very intentional.
The thing is, Kwame during the time we were dating and courting was the kind of guy who never really got upset. I saw him upset about something just once, and even with that, he got over it in no time. So the grudge he bore against me, I didn’t know its source, except that I thought it was a camouflage.
On the days I didn’t have lectures, I tried to cook a fresh meal. One such day, after taking the pains to cook ebunuebunu soup with fufu, when Kwame got home, he flatly told me he didn’t have appetite for that food, then he went out to go and buy indomie. I was surprised because it was one of his favourites. What could I do? I packaged the food and gave it to our neighbour, an elderly woman who lives alone.
If you were in my shoes what will you have done? I just decided to live with the reality of the new Kwame and keep family out.
Who was I to go to and expose our marital issues to?
During our traditional wedding, my parents advised that we should handle every challenge ourselves and never should we involve a third party.
It was my cross after all.
If I had not pursued the degree programme, all these issues would not have showed up. I sort of blamed myself but I never regretted the decision I made to go to the university because now I am able to fend for my children. I have a career that is able to take care of us someway somehow.
I kept telling myself that no marriage was perfect, every marriage had its ups and downs, and so I believed that was our down moment and the storm was soon going to be over.
Being a Christian too, I was hopeful because marriage is God’s idea.
I was home one Saturday afternoon occupied with household chores when Beatrice and Dianne, my friends from campus came to visit.
We were on vacation and had not seen ourselves in a while and so there was a lot of catching up to do.
They were both single ladies and when they came to see me surrounded by chores, they were very fascinated.
I had just finished with the laundry and went straight to the kitchen. Dianne helped with washing the dishes, while Beatrice offered to plait Kayla’s hair.
“How do you manage to juggle home, work and school?” Dianne asked.
“Oh, when you get there you will know.” I said with a smile.
“Oooh tell us so that we can also learn your trick and apply it when we also get married and have kids.” Beatrice added.
“It’s quite challenging but I try to……..”
Before I could finish the statement, Kwame walked in.
He said a quick hello with a grimaced face and went straight to the bedroom.
My friends felt the tension and wanted to leave immediately but I told them there was no need to.
I excused myself and went to the bedroom to check on Kwame.
As I walked to the bedroom, I knew nothing but trouble awaited me. I only prayed that he wouldn’t create a scene to embarrass me.
He spared no time to lambast me just when I entered.
“So you are also discussing our marital issues with strangers? Who will pollute your mind with women rights and how to divorce me eh?
Have I not warned you severally not to bring those your bad influence of university friends to my house?” He said in a raised voice.
Kwame please, this is not the right time for this. If you raise your voice at me, my friends will hear us.”
“Do I even care?” He shot back at me.
“Answer the question I asked”
“Kwame, your house? Is this house no longer for the two of us?” I asked him.
“I said answer my question and stop being disrespectful by asking me questions.
Be warned Asantewaa. This is the last time I want to see those friends of yours in my house. The next time you do so, be ready to follow them to their houses. I won’t have you disrespect me in my own home”
I didn’t defend myself, I quietly walked out of the room and joined my friends.
I was deeply affected but I feigned that everything was ok, but they knew better.
They apologised if they had caused me any trouble and left few minutes later “to enable me spend time with my husband” they said.
I didn’t understand why Kwame was trying to make me live a life of isolation from the rest of the world. He had friends who either came to visit him at home or he went to see them. There were even a number of them I felt were not good influence on him, but he always defended them to say they have come a long way and so there was no way he was going to part ways with them.
For me, you could actually count the number of people I called friends. Kwame knew that I don’t just associate with anyone. Before I allow someone close, not to mention into my house, then I am sure that person is a good person and not a bad influence.
And so I was distraught by his actions.
To add to my woes, Kwame didn’t eat from my kitchen that evening. He went out to buy fried rice which he intentionally brought home to eat in my full view while the food i cooked for him went cold….
When he finished eating, he left the plates on the dining table and went to bed.
Not even a single word to me.
So when did it become wrong to share your views when your husband is talking?
Where is it enshrined that if you give your opinion about a matter you were being unsubmissive?
Is the wife a slave to the husband or helpmeet?
Should the wife be afraid to share her opinion because of the consequences she may suffer?
I wished I could take a peek into other homes to see how husbands treat their wives, so that if it were similar to mine, I would suffer in silence and not complain.
This marriage cross was breaking my neck.
And there was nothing I could do other than sit helplessly and watch our love turn sour and our candle of love burn out slowly.
“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Romans 12:17 – 18 (ESV)
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