At dawn, when I raised the subject again, Kwame still stood his grounds and so I gave up.
You know, I am that kind of woman who when I love a man, he becomes my sun, my moon, my everything. My world revolves around him and so when there is no happiness in the relationship, it affects me.
And everyone who knows me quite well can tell I am not okay, no matter how hard I try to cover up.
One such people I couldn’t hide my secret tears from was Aunt Mina, the matured student in our class.
I didn’t know that she was observing me all through the lecture and she could tell that I was absent-minded.
During the lunch break when I went to sit outside on one the lovers’ benches to clear my head, she approached me.
“Asantewaa I know all is not well with you. What is the issue?”
I had wanted to deny and say I was alright but I couldn’t hold back. I let it all out.
“It’s Kwame…..”
Before I could say anything more I burst into tears.
“It’s ok, it’s ok, please don’t cry” she said.
When I found my voice again, I told her about all that has happened with me and Kwame and his insistence to wear only dresses below my knee for fear of attracting men, especially on campus.
“Hmm, marriage is so full of many surprises. But why are you suffering in silence? Why don’t you talk to someone Kwame respects or an authority figure in your lives, like your Pastor? ”
“No.. I can’t. Kwame will have issues with that.”
“So would you rather die in silence?”
“Hmm…”
“We live in a society where a lot of women suffer in silence because they fear they will be labelled or ostracised. When anything goes wrong in the marriage, people point fingers at the woman, and assume; maybe she doesn’t keep the home well, maybe she doesn’t know how to cook, maybe she doesn’t dress well, maybe she doesn’t do her wifely duties well in the bedroom, and the list goes on.
When there are no children in the marriage, it’s the woman who is labelled as a barren woman. Rarely will a man be blamed……unlike overseas where women are not afraid to open up to others and seek counselling when they are overwhelmed by marital issues.
You young ones of today shouldn’t suffer in silence. The world of the older generation is not same as yours. A lot of things were not allowed for women to do but today thanks to modernisation and education, people are enlightened.
Interestingly, when you come to the church it’s another ball game altogether. In our church for example, we have a couples fellowship which is headed by my husband and I. It will interest you to know that when we are having discussions about marital issues, sometimes you can tell that people have issues they wish they could get them off their chest, but they are not able to. Only few people contribute to discussions, with a handful who relate the subjects of the discussion to their personal marital lives.
Sometimes after the meetings, people privately come and see either my husband or I and ask that we hit the nail hard on the topic because their spouse is putting up same attitude at home but he/she cannot make mention of that in public.
Of course, it is true that no marriage is perfect or without its own issues, but there are some things that are red flags that no one should sit on without doing anything about them.
Your case reminds me of a young lady and her husband I was recently counselling. They have been married for only three months and already they are having issues. Their problem is this: the man asked the woman to stop using makeup because he doesn’t like women who use makeup. The lady got upset and demanded why the man had married her if he disliked makeups because for the three years they dated, he never complained about it. Meanwhile this lady also loves using makeup.
In another recent case, the problem was from the woman. She knew from the time they were in a relationship that her husband doesn’t like wearing suits. He likes to dress simple; in an african print or short sleeve with no tie. Now the lady has issues when the man dresses that way and says it doesn’t appeal to her.
My dear, people marry and think they can change their spouses or change their way of life. That is not possible. Yet people keep repeating this mistake over and over again. And this threatens the peace of the marriage.
Sadly, a lot of people are going through this in their marriages.
In some marriages, the husband and wife are no more friends like they used to be when they were in a relationship. They keep secrets and quarrel over trivial issues.
Marriage, in God’s mind is to be enjoyed and not endured. I can say for myself and a lot number of other couples that marriage is enjoyable. Marriage is a good thing God gave us. We have allowed our marriages to be manipulated by the enemy and instead of it being a blessing to us, it is what is drawing us away from God.
Young people have believed the deception of the evil one that it is better to engage in concubinage than to marry. Why? Because a number of people marry and go to sleep instead of working. They abandon their first love and no longer do the things that bonded them together. So what do we see, it’s either people marry and have side chicks or refuse to marry for fear that things will change after marriage, and yet sleep under the same roof.
See, marriage is one of the beautiful institutions God created. If it wasn’t so, why will God liken it to the relationship between himself, the groom and his church, the bride?
Marriage can be very beautiful if it is conducted according to how God wants it to be, not based on how men or women or society or modernisation suggest it should be. If we lose sight of that, then we should forget about having great marriages.
I married my husband when I was very young. He was 15 years older than me. Our marriage has God as its foundation. Whenever we have a misunderstanding, we go back to the inventor of marriage and ask him what we should do. One of the pillars we set for ourselves was never to go to bed with a grudge. Why? Because before we sleep we pray together, so how can you pray together when you are upset. Sometimes we can stay up late all because there is a matter we need to resolve amicably before we go to bed. This is one thing that has really helped us.
We are intentional about our marriage and very committed to its success that we don’t allow a third party be it family, friends, or any issue come between us.
Earlier on in our marriage, we covenanted with God that we will make our marriage work and since then we haven’t rested on our oars.
Marrying my husband is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. And I am still madly in love with him after 18 years of marriage. He is my best friend, my lover, my teacher, my father, my counsellor, my everything. But I tell you, it takes two to tango. Both of us want our marriage to work and so we work at it.
In your case, there are a lot of uncertainties about your husband’s behaviour and I believe the best thing to do is not to keep quiet but to involve someone he listens to who will address your marital problems.
All hope is not lost my dear, everything will be alright.” Aunt Mina concluded.
I wish I could ask Aunt Mina to talk to Kwame but how was I going to do that? Neither could I think of anyone I could confide in at church. Kwame was held in high esteem at church and should I tell Pastor what I was going through, I knew it wouldn’t augur well with Kwame. Our church wasn’t one that took no interest in post marital counselling nor a couples fellowship like Aunt Mina ‘ s church. Once the wedding is over, everyone assumes that everything is ok with the marriage. How I wish churches will encourage post marital counselling and introduce couples fellowships; it would be a good avenue to save many marriages because some people do things out of ignorance.
I resorted to fasting and prayers as my strategy to save our marriage.
I took an annual leave of one month from work so I could concentrate on the fasting and prayers.
For a long time, I wasn’t eating well nor taking good care of myself. Three weeks into my leave, I fell seriously ill.
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor”
Ecl 4:9 (NIV)
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