It took me by storm one morning. I was getting Kayla ready for school when all of a sudden I started vomiting, went weak in my knees and was feeling dizzy. I didn’t know what happened to me again. I later found myself in the hospital. When I opened my eyes, I overheard the doctor say “she doesn’t eat well and it seems she is under a lot of stress which has degenerated to depression…” I quickly closed my eyes so they wouldn’t know I was awake.
I got surprised that afternoon when I saw my mum standing in my room’s doorway.
“Maa what are you doing here?” I asked her
“So when were you going to tell me that you are sick. Look at how you look….”
“Mum I am not sick.. I only got admitted this morning and I am better now but the doctor asked me to spend the night here for further observation. I will however be discharged tomorrow”
“And the doctor says you are depressed. What have you been going through that you have kept away from me Asantewaa. I talk to you every week and you gave me no slightest idea that something was wrong with you”
“Ho Maa, don’t pay attention to what the doctor told you, I am fine. But who called you here?” I asked her jokingly.
“Kayla”
“Kayla?” I asked her in surprise
“Yes. I called your phone in the morning and she happened to pick the phone and when I asked her to give the phone to you she said “Mummy is sick”.
So I called Kwame and he confirmed that you had been admitted at the hospital and that it was nothing serious so I didn’t need to worry… but I decided to come all the same to see you. You get discharged and when you are well, you will tell me about what is stressing you up” my mother said.
The presence of my mother in our home changed Kwame’s attitude; he turned on his love like a tap to my amazement.
I got confused and didn’t know whether to tell my mum what was going on in our marriage, and whether she would believe me, considering Kwame’s change in behaviour.
But knowing my mother, there was no way she was going to leave without getting to the bottom of what was eating me up. She stayed for two weeks to ensure I was fine before she left.
I had a lengthy heart to heart chat with my mum about my marital issues. She was shocked sad and upset.
“How could you keep all this to yourself and not inform us? Do you wan’t to die at a young age?
Don’t you know the marriage isn’t just between you two but the two families too?” She interrogated me.
“Maa, are you not the same person who advised us to solve our marriage problems by ourselves and not involve third parties? Just imagine if Kwame’s mum was the one who came to visit just like you have… Kwame will have still put up his camelion attitude and his mum wouldn’t have believed me if I told her Kwame was the cause of my depression.”
“Well, you have a point but we didn’t mean you should suffer in silence. This is beyond the two of you and you need us to mediate. I will talk to you and Kwame tomorrow.
My mother listened to Kwame and I without taking sides. As usual, Kwame had lots to say, while I just sat and watched him.
After a series of back and forth, we made peace with the help of my mother.
Before my mum left, she admonished me not to repeat what I did again; suffering in silence, and I gave her my word.
Everything went back to the way it used to be.
But that, it was just a nine day wonder; Kwame went back to his old ways.
It was as if something was working against us.
This time around, it was a marathon of fits of jealousy and suspicions.
One saturday morning, my car refused to start. I called the mechanic to come over but he was delaying. Since I was in a hurry to go to the market, I left. After shopping, I picked a trotro.
When I got off the trotro at my junction, I wanted to pick a taxi home but when my efforts proved futile, I decided to walk home with the bag of groceries in my hand. Just after I had taken few steps, a hyundai elantra stopped by me.
“Hi. Where are you going? Please let me help you” the person said.
I had wanted to decline his offer but on second thought, I accepted it.
I got to know that he had just moved into our area; three houses away from mine. A medical doctor who had recently relocated into the country and yet to be joined by the rest of his family. He was in his late thirties. That was the little I got to know about him.
When we got to my house, he insisted that he will help me take the groceries inside. I said there was no need to but he insisted that he is a gentleman and he cannot walk away while I struggle to get the groceries inside.
Just when we got inside, Kwame got out of the door, about to step out. There and then I wished I had not allowed the Doctor inside, but it was too late.
“Doc, you meet my husband Kwame”
“Kwame you meet Doc, he just moved into three houses away from ours.”
They exchanged a quick pleasantry and the Doctor left.
Once in a while the Doctor passed by to say hi. It was one such day, he was returning home after taking his 5 year old daughter to play at the park. I met him outside our gate. While we were chatting, I saw Kwame’s car approaching, so I alerted Doctor Kingsley to position his car well so Kwame can get inside. He however decided to leave instead so that I could attend to Kwame. I opened the gate for Kwame and went inside. He came to meet me at the hall and the look on his face told me something was wrong.
“What did the Doctor want?” He asked me
“Oh he just passed by to say hi”
“Tell him to mind his own business and stop following you”
“Kwame what’s wrong with a neighbour checking on his fellow neighbour once in a while? He means no trouble”
“Asantewaa I am a man and if I warn you about men I know what I am talking about”
“Noted” I said.
One evening, Kayla asked me a question that I didn’t know how to answer..
“Mummy, where is daddy? Daddy doesn’t take me to the park again, why?”
I said, “Daddy is very busy these days. He will have time for you ok.”
Kayla said “ok” with a sad look and my heart broke.
How could I tell this small girl that his daddy and I were having issues in our marriage? She didn’t have to suffer in any way.
Kayla had every right to ask that question, for over a month, Kwame resorted to coming home late and by the time he did, Kayla was already asleep. In the morning, he had no time to check on her. Since he released the car to me I took Kayla to school. All he did for Kayla was to take care of her financial needs.
As a wife, I couldn’t sleep well till he got home. Not a single day did he call me to tell me he will be late home. Am sure he thought that he owed me no explanation. I gave up calling to find out if he were coming home early because the response he would give will be “I’m busy and will be home late. Don’t stay up waiting for me”.
Sometimes I got to see him when I stay up to learn. He gets home and he is on the phone chatting with whoever. He won’t even bother to say hi to me. He can be on the phone for close to one hour laughing and chatting. He kept doing this consistently even on days he came home early. Not even thirty minutes to chat with me, his wife. And if I initiate a conversation, he would reply with flat answers that I would be discouraged to continue. Yet the moment he receives a phone call, his moody nature will change and he will be sounding all exciting on the phone. Sometimes he will even leave the hall if we are watching tv and go to the bedroom.
I couldn’t just sit there and watch. I knew how to get him, so I also deviced a plan.
I also would get on the phone chatting and laughing with one of my girlfriends when he was around. The irony is that I cannot ask him who he is talking to when he is on the phone but for me, when I am done chatting, he demands “so who were you talking to and you were laughing like that?”
“A friend” I would respond
“Which friend” he would ask
“A friend you don’t know” I will respond
“Hmm.. ok” he would say.
My plan was working and I was so happy, playing this tit for tat.
Kwame’s jealousy took to another dimension. I caught him a few times checking my phone log, later I even got to know that he was reading my whatsapp messages. How did I know?
Initially I didn’t, but friends kept telling me they see me online at odd hours which I denied. One time, I realised a friend had sent me a message as late as 1 am and it was read but I knew I was fast asleep by then, that raised my suspicions.
I knew that if I asked him, he would deny it and so I deviced another strategy. He knew my phone password though I didn’t know his because he had changed it and I didn’t really care. I had no intention of changing mine. What I did instead was that, I cleared all conversations I had, not because I had something to hide but because I didn’t want him to wrongly interprete any mesage. It was more like he invaded my jardin secret.
This strategy also worked. He couldn’t come asking me about it because he didn’t want me to know he was checking my messages in secret.
Why couldn’t he trust me? Is this jealousy one of the attributes of love? Someone should please tell me…
The jealousy which showed itself as a seed when we were in a relationship had fully matured with a harvest of fruits.
Well, he called for the music so I learnt to dance to his tune, with the hope that it will bring about change in the positive direction.
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1 (NIV)
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